matters of the mind and the heart

As I have mentioned on Instagram (@withaflugelhorn), mental health is just as important as physical health. So here is a little piece I have written for those that might be facing a few personal challenges in the romance department.

Matters of the mind and the heart are often very complicated. It's part of what makes us human.

Of course I am talking about the metaphorical heart, our 'emotional centre', not the cardiac organ beating within our chest.

While logic might dictate one pathway, often our emotions lead us down another. This seems most common in the pursuit of romantic love, although platonic love (the love we have for our family, etc) can also lead us astray.

But let's face it, a world completely dictated by logic would be fairly dull. The arts would surely be less captivating. I cannot imagine Shakespeare's plays would have had quite the same effect. And without his many mistresses, would Picasso have still created such memorable paintings?

Most TV series rely on a heavy dose of emotion and drama. And it is pretty hard to find a pop song that doesn't have some reference to love, loss or heartache.

Admittedly, knowledge that emotions and love are an integral part of our lives doesn't necessarily help us when things go awry.

So what should we do when issues arise or when someone we thought we'd spend the rest of our lives with, turns out to be a total douche?

Here are a few suggestions...

• Remember that there is nothing wrong with you. These types of things happen to lots of people, for any number of reasons.
• It's ok to be upset. People seem to have forgotten that we can't always be happy. So let yourself be upset for a while, just don't let it overrun your life.
• Talk to others, especially those that know you best. Not only can it help to talk to someone else, to formulate and articulate your ideas and feelings, it can help you gain an outsiders perspective and maybe even some advice.
  (Please note - if you don't feel that you have anyone talk to, there are a number of telephone and online counselling providers out there.)
• Don't act out on your anger or frustration. You might feel like a raging bull, but don't let yourself do anything that you would regret later.
• Remember to learn from this experience. One of the many wonderful things about being human is that we can learn from our experiences (whether they are mistakes or not).
• Focus on the positive relationships in your life. Don't let one bad relationship poison the rest.
• As difficult as it might be, keep yourself busy. While you might want to take time off work or study, it is best to continue your regular activities, and being busy can help you take you mind off everything else.
• Depending on the situation - talk to your partner. If you are experiencing a problem in your relationship that could be fixed or resolved, then it is important to communicate this. (Remember that your significant other is not a mind reader.) You never know, together you could find a solution.

Obviously, the ultimate goal is continue living a varied and wonderful life. But this is harder for some of us.

One thing that I learnt during my psych days at uni, and that I still use as an indicator today, is to ask myself 'Am I functioning as contributing member of society?'.

If you are in such a position that you can't go to work or look after your kids or feed/clean yourself, then your answer would be 'no' and thus you should seek additional help.

For a lot of us though, our answer would be 'yes' as we can continue to do all those things. And as with the good times, we acknowledge that bad times are part of the colourful and sometimes unpredictable mosaic of life.

I am no history buff, but I can assure you that without mistakes and setbacks, we would not have learned, nor progressed, as much as we have. So consider this part of your evolution.

- Dani

sisterhood

Hello peeps! I hope you all had a fantastic Easter long weekend. I spent the whole weekend with two of my sisters. We cavorted our way around Melbourne and, thankfully, didn't indulge in too much chocolate (yay!), although I probably did indulge a little too much in everything else (comedy, popcorn, Lebanese food, etc).

But let's be honest, you can never have enough comedy, and clearly we couldn't get enough of Hannah Gadsby - we saw both her shows. Yep she has two different shows as part of the Melbourne International Comedy festival and we saw both... in the same weekend.

Pic from comedyfestival.com.au

And do you know what? She was hilarious! So no regrets here. If I was going to recommend one show over the other though, I would recommend seeing 'Happiness is a bedside table'. Her 'Nakedy Nudes' show at the National Gallery of Victoria is intriguing, but not as laugh-until-your-cheeks-hurt funny.

Basically the rest of the weekend was filled with shopping and SingStar, dancing and drinks, family, friends and lots of food. Four full days of rest and frivolity.

Brunch at Le Miel

Driving around

Proof that there was some sunshine

SingStar

Uncle Alan's 50th

My gorgeous sisters

Family lunch

Morning walk to Princes Pier

Easter goodies bag

Sisters

Cheers to the sisterhood!

- Dani

relax

Oh what a lovely long weekend... Forgive me if I get lost in dreamy thoughts while writing this post.

In a nut shell: 3 days, no work, lots of sunshine, plenty of rest.

I spent the weekend at Blairgowrie, down on the Mornington Peninsula, with Dan and Maple (Dan's dog). We explored the bay and the back beach, and even a few of the shops near by. We had time to read, sleep-in and muck around. It was amazing.

I tend to use holidays as a chance to explore the world and do/see as much as possible. While this is a fantastic way to make the most of each holiday, it can be exhausting. This mini trip helped me to realise how important it is to relax every now and then.

The benefits of relaxation are plentiful, from physical to mental health benefits, and a lack a relaxation can lead to undue stress, which has been extensively linked to poor health outcomes.

While we obviously can't arrange a long weekend for ourselves whenever we need to wind down, learning how to relax or engaging in relaxing behaviour on a regular basis is a key to healthy living. For some people a gym session relieves stress, while others prefer a bubble bath. Whatever it is that relaxes you, make the time to do it at least once this week.

In the words of Jackie Chan, "Sometimes I do need to go to karaoke, sometimes I need to relax."

- Dani

it's easy to smile when you're winning

The post holiday blues might be setting in now. It has taken over two weeks, which seems a bit long to me, but it was bound to happen as some point.

Between my fragile emotional state, my weary body (seriously when did everything start aching?) and an abundance of work, this round of 12wbt is most definitely not going to end with a bang. (In fact I think I've started gaining weight again.)

It was easy to be positive and full of energy when I was seeing great results, but as soon as the tables turn, it becomes much harder to stick with the strategy. So, I will admit it... I've been very slack the past two weeks. With each weigh-in and every time I look at my body in the mirror, my will seems to diminish. I'm thinking... no moping, rather than doing.

Without the forced gym junkie and health guru regiment, I still make healthier choices more than I did pre-12wbt. I am even choosing to go for a run not because the plan says so, but because I (kinda) enjoy it.

But is this good enough? No.

Am I unhappy with my body and my level of fitness? Hell yeah!

Of course I would love to be happy in my own body, blah blah blah. But the reason this disappointment is so significant is that it means that I care. I care about my body, about my health. Hell yes, I care!

So now I have confirmation - I am completely controlled by my emotions/mood... and it has to stop. A shitty day at work does not give me the right to stuff my face with calorie-laden food. In fact the whole logic is backwards. My body and brain have clearly already suffered enough after a tough day, I should be rewarding myself by looking after them.

It is easy to dispense these words, now I need to put this theory into action. So I'm creating a little project for myself, I'm calling it Project 'Mood Buster'. When I'm exhausted or feeling emotional, even cranky, I'm going to try to reward/improve myself with non-food actions/activities.

For example, "It's been a tough week, I deserve a few Friday drinks" will become "It's been a tough week, I deserve a massage" or "It's been a tough week, I deserve a bubble bath".

Or when a mood strikes, "All I want to do is curl in a ball and cry" will become "I'm feeling really crappy, maybe a walk/comedy gig/bike ride with a friend will cheer me up".

Sometimes, when the pressure is on at work, the first thing I do is head for the lolly jar. This is probably going to be the hardest behaviour to crack. My current thinking is that if time permits, I'll try to step outside for a moment instead or make sure I always have healthier snack alternatives at my desk (though this doesn't tend to have the same psychological effect).

This is definitely more an art than a science, but it might provide some real benefits long-term.

And if anyone has already found some great mood busting tricks, please feel free to share.

- Dani

everything is falling into place

The last few weeks have been fantastic. I am feeling healthy, happy and almost fit. It is hard to describe how wonderful this feeling is. Furthermore, the bonds with my family and boyfriend have strengthened. My work is constantly challenging and encouraging me. To be honest, life couldn't get much better.

This transformation started after I realised how unbalanced my life was. I'd put on a bit more weight and I was working some pretty long hours at the time. Then I had the thought "If I'm prepared to work this hard in one area of my life, why don't I put in half as much effort into other areas of my life?". At this point, I decided to join the Michelle Bridges 12 week transformation and thus my journey began.

It certainly hasn't been a smooth journey. There have been good weeks and bad weeks. Positive moments and moments of sheer hopelessness. I can honestly say that acknowledging my situation, trying to move beyond my weaknesses and flaws, has been one of the hardest things I have ever done.

People often make excuses because they don't want to take accountability for their actions (or in-action). But I didn't just make excuses, I didn't care. By not caring, I was happy, but my body wasn't.

This body is the only one I've got and I'm going to have it my whole life. And I have treated it so poorly.

When I realised this and realised the behavioural issues ingrained in me that perpetuate this mistreatment, I felt totally shattered. Here I was thinking that I am a capable, dedicated, smart individual, but I couldn't do something as simple as keep my body in good shape. Needless to say, this self-reflection resulted in a lot of tears.

Out of the tears and reflection came something wonderful - knowledge and resolve. I was learning, learning about myself, learning about what I needed to do to get out of this situation. Now by no means am I now a guru on health and fitness, my mind still craves all sorts of things when I know I'd actually prefer something else, but I am better. And I will never stop learning, nor will I want to go through that process again.

Now I'm under 80kg, a milestone I thought I'd reach weeks ago, but I am thrilled regardless. My body shape is different and I am loving it. My attitude has changed, and is continuing to change. Everything has well and truly fallen into place.

This brings me to the main point of this post, and it is a point I'm sure I will need to tell myself time and time again. I also hope it might help just one other person out there.

Don't give up.

Every small improvement you make, even if it isn't a permanent one, will help you. Every over-indulgent snack you turn down, every extra step you take. All of it is worth it. And this applies to anything you want to achieve in life. It might not be the fastest way to reach your goals, but you will make progress.

In a previous post, when I was in struggle-town, I wrote this -

I might be able to make this transformation step-by-fricken-tiny-step. But I have to keep trying. Because even though I'm no where near my goals, I am closer than when I started. I might never have a light bulb moment, but I never want to give up.

And it is so true. I think that this realisation really helped to turn things around for me. I stopped focusing on achieving the perfect transformation, stopped comparing myself to other 12wbters with phenomenal will-power.

So yes, there are crazy, amazing, inspiring people out there who can lose 20kg in 3 months or transition from being a couch potato to a marathon runner. But the people who get on with their lives and make small changes every day, those people are inspiring too.

- Dani

happy, healthy, fit

Hello!

12wbt Round 4 has well and truly kicked-off and yes, I have been deviating from the plan. Unlike last round though, this is not freaking me out (and I no longer feel like a failure). I know that I'm still exercising (goddamn intermediate toning sessions are hard) and that my nutrition is ok (but it could be better).

Not 12wbt, but not bad either

The next few months are all about warmer weather, get-togethers and frivolity. So to reach my goals during this hectic time, I am focusing on two things: discipline and positivity.

These would have to be two of my weakest areas - I'm not disciplined (at all) and I'm not a very positive person either. Focusing on my weight and fitness has made me very 'me-centric' and I was often in a state of disappointment.

But this time I'm not going to be disappointed because
1. I will have a plan and I will be organised
2. I will follow through, I will stick to the plan, I will be disciplined (and when the unpredictable occurs, I will make suitable adjustments)
3. I am focusing on the positive elements of my life, elements that don't stimulate stress, elements that are within my immediate control (e.g., I will focus on my improving fitness, I will not stress about how unfit I feel)

And this inspired my new mantra.

Happy. Healthy. Fit.

All of these things are within my control and none of these need to be stressful. I want to be happier, healthier, fitter person. A person that I can be proud of. (And it really shouldn't be that hard.)

At the moment these are just words, but I am putting them into practise. I have already planned my meals and exercise schedule for next week. The shopping list is ready too. I have also adopted a colour system to monitor how well I stick to the plan.

It is no longer about 'I can' or 'I will' do this, but 'I am'... I am doing this! (And you can do it too!)

- Dani