running

Last night I went for a run.

Now this should be a fairly ordinary, regularly occurring sentence. But it isn't.

I used to run a lot. I used to like it.

But I don't particularly like running any more, well not long distances. Put me in a 200m sprint and I'm all smiles, get me to sustain a moderate pace for more than a minute and you've lost me.

The reason I struggle with running is also the reason I try to persist with it. Yes I can go to the gym and do a more varied workout for the same result. (Though my strength is pretty average these days too.) Yes I can do classes. Yes I can do interval training. But I continue to run/jog because it is a mental challenge for me.

Last night though, it was almost too much. I jogged approx 3.5km with a few sprints and walk down thrown in. By the end, the pain in my chest (I'm an asthmatic) nearly brought me to tears. If I'd been able to breath more clearly, I might have cried. Instead I wheezed my way to the bathroom floor and stayed there. I can laugh about it now, but it was a horrible, horrible feeling.

This is why I'm not a 'runner'. This is why fitness and daily exercise are not easy things for me to accomplish, and certainly aren't positive aspects of my life.

If I reach a PB, I feel a sense of accomplishment, of pride. But physically, I always feel wrecked. Mentally, I always feel dejected and disappointed. I know that physiologically we're all supposed to have endorphins, but goddamn where are they?

I'm not using this an excuse, it is something I've pushed through since I was a young girl. But as time becomes more precious and priorities changes, it's easier to push aside the unpleasant things.

So what now?

I'm going to continue to push myself. To keep running.

- Dani

slowly, slowly

Did you know that I've been to the Himalayas?

I climbed to Annapurna base camp, which is 4130m above see level. The entire trek, all two weeks of it, was one of the hardest but most rewarding things I have ever done. By the time we flew out of Jomsom, my legs we constantly aching, my bowels were exhausted but my sense of accomplishment had never been greater.

I wasn't the fittest person when I did this trek, furthermore I have exercise induced asthma. So as you might imagine, I often ended up at the back of the group with the Sherpa (Dawa) and his constantly reassuring words - "slowly, slowly".

Though I'm not climbing a mountain now, these two journeys (the trek and my transformation journey) have many parallels... and Dawa's advice still rings true.

Lately, I have eaten badly, drunk less water (but more alcohol/soft drink) and reduced my level of activity. I haven't been transforming, I am regressing.

As you might have gathered from my previous post, this is frustrating me. But guess what? I still made poor choices even after that post. Rather than continue the cycle of good behaviour, then bad behaviour, then frustration, followed by hopelessness. I'm trying to focus on progressing consistently, even if it is slowly, slowly - making better choices as often as possible.

So I've starting looking into overeating and compulsive eating. Just to see if any insights there might help me. I love research and education. And although I already know a bit about health, exercise, the body and the mind, it never hurts to learn more.

Now I have two books to read: The End of Overeating (by David Kessler) and The Headspace Diet (by Andy Puddicombe), and there is plenty more research to do.

I'm not looking for a diet or a quick fix, I guess I'm just looking for something that will help everything 'click'. I know there is a healthier version of me, I just haven't had to determination to become her yet.

Anyways, I will let you know what I uncover.

- Dani

no more

It is as if nothing has changed. I am putting on weight again and making poor decisions.

I don't plan enough, I'm not disciplined enough and all I seem to do is talk about the potential to improve.

Well that is it!

No more excuses.

No more Coke Zero.

No more treats.

No more positive dribble on this blog.

If I do not start making real changes constantly, then I will not write one more word about this supposed transformation. Now I say constantly because I have great days and terrible days, but there are not enough great days.

And if any of you see me engaging in counter-productive behaviour - please feel free to bring this up.

- Dani

it's easy to smile when you're winning

The post holiday blues might be setting in now. It has taken over two weeks, which seems a bit long to me, but it was bound to happen as some point.

Between my fragile emotional state, my weary body (seriously when did everything start aching?) and an abundance of work, this round of 12wbt is most definitely not going to end with a bang. (In fact I think I've started gaining weight again.)

It was easy to be positive and full of energy when I was seeing great results, but as soon as the tables turn, it becomes much harder to stick with the strategy. So, I will admit it... I've been very slack the past two weeks. With each weigh-in and every time I look at my body in the mirror, my will seems to diminish. I'm thinking... no moping, rather than doing.

Without the forced gym junkie and health guru regiment, I still make healthier choices more than I did pre-12wbt. I am even choosing to go for a run not because the plan says so, but because I (kinda) enjoy it.

But is this good enough? No.

Am I unhappy with my body and my level of fitness? Hell yeah!

Of course I would love to be happy in my own body, blah blah blah. But the reason this disappointment is so significant is that it means that I care. I care about my body, about my health. Hell yes, I care!

So now I have confirmation - I am completely controlled by my emotions/mood... and it has to stop. A shitty day at work does not give me the right to stuff my face with calorie-laden food. In fact the whole logic is backwards. My body and brain have clearly already suffered enough after a tough day, I should be rewarding myself by looking after them.

It is easy to dispense these words, now I need to put this theory into action. So I'm creating a little project for myself, I'm calling it Project 'Mood Buster'. When I'm exhausted or feeling emotional, even cranky, I'm going to try to reward/improve myself with non-food actions/activities.

For example, "It's been a tough week, I deserve a few Friday drinks" will become "It's been a tough week, I deserve a massage" or "It's been a tough week, I deserve a bubble bath".

Or when a mood strikes, "All I want to do is curl in a ball and cry" will become "I'm feeling really crappy, maybe a walk/comedy gig/bike ride with a friend will cheer me up".

Sometimes, when the pressure is on at work, the first thing I do is head for the lolly jar. This is probably going to be the hardest behaviour to crack. My current thinking is that if time permits, I'll try to step outside for a moment instead or make sure I always have healthier snack alternatives at my desk (though this doesn't tend to have the same psychological effect).

This is definitely more an art than a science, but it might provide some real benefits long-term.

And if anyone has already found some great mood busting tricks, please feel free to share.

- Dani

the good, the bad and the... hungry

As part of my transformation I am trying to have a more positive outlook, but as I enter week 5 of the 12wbt I realise I'm feeling a little on the fence. There is good and there is bad, but I'm embracing both.

The positives
I am loving the workouts. I'm not participating in as many classes as I would have liked and I don't always train 6 times a week, but I am pushing it 100% in every session and occasionally adding a little more. The workouts are making me feel like my old, sporty, competitive self again - it is great!

A huge, massive positive for me is that *drum roll please* I'm eating breakfast!

I'm eating 12wbt meals approximately 50% of the time and 75% of my meals/snacks are healthy... so I can't complain about that. The 12wbt meals have been surprisingly delicious too!

The negatives
So this is where I hit a low - the other 25% of my meals... it's not good. I revert back to old behaviours (weekend drinks), old comfort foods (creamy pasta) and old excuses ("It's ok, I've barely eaten anything all day"). And most of the time, I don't even enjoy it!

I know it is my mind craving these things rather than my body, but I find it so hard to not give in to temptation.

Additional to these moments of weakness, I've also been getting very hungry, particularly at night and occasionally in the afternoons at work. While I haven't always satisfied these cravings, I'm wondering if, once again, this is actually my mind wanting to eat rather than the body needing it. (Why does this happen?)

And lastly, mornings. I really want to train in the mornings, but it hasn't happened. I know Michelle Bridges says "go into robot mode", but I'm never in robot mode - maybe this is why I struggle to stick to a plan.

***

So one third of the way through my 12 week transformation and these are my yays and nays. I've learnt that I can't just focus on my strengths - I've gotten super fit before but it didn't result in any weight loss. Instead, I'm trying to appreciate my weaknesses/struggle points and use them to shape my focus areas. My willpower certainly seems to need more training sessions than my body at the moment. But compared to where I was 4 weeks ago... well I'm much fitter, I've lost a little weight and I'm thinking of ways to make my meals as healthy as possible. I guess I've got plenty to be positive about :)

- Dani

weekends

It is well and truly apparent that I struggle to stick to the 12wbt plan over the weekend. Friday night post-work drinks, lunch/dinner with friends and family, sleep-ins, birthdays, etc. Every weekend gets a big, fat red flag.

This weekend involved drinks on Friday night. (I had two cocktails.) An unsuccessful workout, beers at the footy, evening drinks over a movie, followed by a night of dancing and drinking. (Yes, I well and truly missed the mark on Saturday.) Birthday afternoon tea on Sunday.

Friday - dinner (12wbt basil & walnut pesto spaghetti)

Saturday - if you watch Offspring you'll get where I'm going with this

Sunday - afternoon tea (though I didn't eat any pavlova)

First things first, I have to make a confession regarding my Super Saturday Session... I didn't make it through one round.

While at uni I tore my plantar fascia, the connective tissue on the bottom of my feet, playing netball. It was a painful experience and my feet have never quite been the same. So during certain exercises that pain in my feet comes back and my arches feel so tight that I fear standing flat on my feet might tear something. As I've now learnt, skipping is one of those exercises that flares up this old injury.

I gritted my teeth through the pain and had nearly finished the first round when, instead of just wiping the sweat off my face - as intended, I ended up burying my face in my towel to hide an avalanche of unexpected tears.

I was practically distraught. It was as if the pain brought forth all the other emotions I'd bottled up lately. Disappointment, frustration, embarrassment, even anger.

At this point I know I should have moved on, I should have chosen activities that wouldn't cause so much pain. But I didn't. I gave up.

I wasn't the only one over it

So not only did I make choices that will hinder my progress (i.e., drinking alcohol), I didn't compensate for those choices either. Which is my biggest regret about this weekend.

I know there are smarter choices I can make while in these 'weekend situations'. Such as refraining from drinking alcohol, choosing the healthiest option on the menu, avoid skipping meals... the list goes on. But when I'm in the moment with my friends, Saturday night is great example, one thing leads to another and my health/12wbt  is completely forgotten.

So I'm asking all of you out there, do you have any suggestions as to how I can stay on track with the 12wbt while still maintaining my social life?