lean in

Lean In is a women's empowerment foundation established following the release of Sheryl Sandberg's book Lean In: Women, Work and the Will to Lead. I haven't read this book yet, but I have genuinely enjoyed reading some of the content on the Lean In website. (Check out the 'Letters from Dad'.)

One of the projects started by Lean In is 'What Would You Do If You Weren't Afraid?', which is based on the following premise...

Studies show that even after college, women are less ambitious than their male peers. They avoid leadership roles. They are afraid to speak up. 

Why do women harbor such fear? Why are they afraid to raise their hands? 

...and it got me thinking.  What would I do if I wasn't afraid?

At first I thought "I'm not afraid", and in the conventional sense, I'm not. But then I realised that there are subtle fears shaping my life. For example, I would love to travel more, but with only 4 weeks annual leave a year, I would probably have to quit my job to truly pursue that goal. And while I really like my job, which is the main reason I haven't just packed and left, I'm also afraid that a prolonged period of travel could negatively effect my future career prospects.

So here is brief list of some of things I would do if I wasn't afraid.

1. Travel the world for 12 months or so

2. Talk to my parents more openly

3. Believe that I can (do anything)

Which then leads me to the question... what would you do if you weren't afraid?

- Dani

matters of the mind and the heart

As I have mentioned on Instagram (@withaflugelhorn), mental health is just as important as physical health. So here is a little piece I have written for those that might be facing a few personal challenges in the romance department.

Matters of the mind and the heart are often very complicated. It's part of what makes us human.

Of course I am talking about the metaphorical heart, our 'emotional centre', not the cardiac organ beating within our chest.

While logic might dictate one pathway, often our emotions lead us down another. This seems most common in the pursuit of romantic love, although platonic love (the love we have for our family, etc) can also lead us astray.

But let's face it, a world completely dictated by logic would be fairly dull. The arts would surely be less captivating. I cannot imagine Shakespeare's plays would have had quite the same effect. And without his many mistresses, would Picasso have still created such memorable paintings?

Most TV series rely on a heavy dose of emotion and drama. And it is pretty hard to find a pop song that doesn't have some reference to love, loss or heartache.

Admittedly, knowledge that emotions and love are an integral part of our lives doesn't necessarily help us when things go awry.

So what should we do when issues arise or when someone we thought we'd spend the rest of our lives with, turns out to be a total douche?

Here are a few suggestions...

• Remember that there is nothing wrong with you. These types of things happen to lots of people, for any number of reasons.
• It's ok to be upset. People seem to have forgotten that we can't always be happy. So let yourself be upset for a while, just don't let it overrun your life.
• Talk to others, especially those that know you best. Not only can it help to talk to someone else, to formulate and articulate your ideas and feelings, it can help you gain an outsiders perspective and maybe even some advice.
  (Please note - if you don't feel that you have anyone talk to, there are a number of telephone and online counselling providers out there.)
• Don't act out on your anger or frustration. You might feel like a raging bull, but don't let yourself do anything that you would regret later.
• Remember to learn from this experience. One of the many wonderful things about being human is that we can learn from our experiences (whether they are mistakes or not).
• Focus on the positive relationships in your life. Don't let one bad relationship poison the rest.
• As difficult as it might be, keep yourself busy. While you might want to take time off work or study, it is best to continue your regular activities, and being busy can help you take you mind off everything else.
• Depending on the situation - talk to your partner. If you are experiencing a problem in your relationship that could be fixed or resolved, then it is important to communicate this. (Remember that your significant other is not a mind reader.) You never know, together you could find a solution.

Obviously, the ultimate goal is continue living a varied and wonderful life. But this is harder for some of us.

One thing that I learnt during my psych days at uni, and that I still use as an indicator today, is to ask myself 'Am I functioning as contributing member of society?'.

If you are in such a position that you can't go to work or look after your kids or feed/clean yourself, then your answer would be 'no' and thus you should seek additional help.

For a lot of us though, our answer would be 'yes' as we can continue to do all those things. And as with the good times, we acknowledge that bad times are part of the colourful and sometimes unpredictable mosaic of life.

I am no history buff, but I can assure you that without mistakes and setbacks, we would not have learned, nor progressed, as much as we have. So consider this part of your evolution.

- Dani

can do

I went to an all girls school. The kind that had blazers and daggy hats, and that 'can do' attitude. I wholeheartedly embraced that attitude and truly believed that we were the women of the future - that we could do anything!

After leaving high school I discovered that it is harder for women. That we might not be able to do everything, or more that our chances are greatly reduced because of our gender. Also, there is perceived equality, but a lot of attitudes still need changing.

This gave my confidence a bit of a battering and I started feeling annoyed. My school had misled us.

At one point I said to my boyfriend, "What am I going to tell my daughters, if I have any? Do I lie, and get their hopes up and tell them what I was told? Or do I tell them the more realistic version?"

And his reply astonished me, he said, "You're going to tell them what you've been told, because you can achieve anything, and so can they."

He said this with complete conviction, without a hint of doubt in his voice, and he made me start to believe it.

Now that I've had more time to reflect and learn, I realise that my school did the right thing. And now I will tell anyone who will listen, especially young girls and women, that you can do anything. You can achieve anything. Yes, the road might be a little bumpier, but someone has to start paving the way.

I am particularly concerned with this topic at the moment for two reasons.

One, because there have been a lot of comments in the media that have shocked me. Comments from influential people who clearly have little faith in the ability of women. It makes me wonder if we will only achieve 'perceived' rather than real equality.

My second reason is a tad more personal. There are a few young women in my life right now that need to hear this message, that need to believe in themselves. I know it is normal for teenage girls to be preoccupied with body image and social networks, but I'm worried that they rely solely on external validation and that their not investing time and effort into their own development, into their own strengths.

Friends, family, acquaintances, they are all important. But your skills, your experiences, who you are as a person, no one can take that away from you.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that, we can do anything, especially if we put time and energy into being the people we want to be. I'm not being particularly articulate but hopefully you get what I mean.

- Dani

it's easy to smile when you're winning

The post holiday blues might be setting in now. It has taken over two weeks, which seems a bit long to me, but it was bound to happen as some point.

Between my fragile emotional state, my weary body (seriously when did everything start aching?) and an abundance of work, this round of 12wbt is most definitely not going to end with a bang. (In fact I think I've started gaining weight again.)

It was easy to be positive and full of energy when I was seeing great results, but as soon as the tables turn, it becomes much harder to stick with the strategy. So, I will admit it... I've been very slack the past two weeks. With each weigh-in and every time I look at my body in the mirror, my will seems to diminish. I'm thinking... no moping, rather than doing.

Without the forced gym junkie and health guru regiment, I still make healthier choices more than I did pre-12wbt. I am even choosing to go for a run not because the plan says so, but because I (kinda) enjoy it.

But is this good enough? No.

Am I unhappy with my body and my level of fitness? Hell yeah!

Of course I would love to be happy in my own body, blah blah blah. But the reason this disappointment is so significant is that it means that I care. I care about my body, about my health. Hell yes, I care!

So now I have confirmation - I am completely controlled by my emotions/mood... and it has to stop. A shitty day at work does not give me the right to stuff my face with calorie-laden food. In fact the whole logic is backwards. My body and brain have clearly already suffered enough after a tough day, I should be rewarding myself by looking after them.

It is easy to dispense these words, now I need to put this theory into action. So I'm creating a little project for myself, I'm calling it Project 'Mood Buster'. When I'm exhausted or feeling emotional, even cranky, I'm going to try to reward/improve myself with non-food actions/activities.

For example, "It's been a tough week, I deserve a few Friday drinks" will become "It's been a tough week, I deserve a massage" or "It's been a tough week, I deserve a bubble bath".

Or when a mood strikes, "All I want to do is curl in a ball and cry" will become "I'm feeling really crappy, maybe a walk/comedy gig/bike ride with a friend will cheer me up".

Sometimes, when the pressure is on at work, the first thing I do is head for the lolly jar. This is probably going to be the hardest behaviour to crack. My current thinking is that if time permits, I'll try to step outside for a moment instead or make sure I always have healthier snack alternatives at my desk (though this doesn't tend to have the same psychological effect).

This is definitely more an art than a science, but it might provide some real benefits long-term.

And if anyone has already found some great mood busting tricks, please feel free to share.

- Dani

reflection

When I'm out and about living life (working, socialising, doing), I feel great. I would say I'm a genuinely happy person. But sometimes I stop and reflect, think about a past incident or look at a photo, and I tend to focus on the negatives. It makes me feel awful.

Most recently I felt like this when I looked at a photo I was in. Not an old photo, a recent one. I looked overweight, pasty and unattractive. In an instant my whole perception of myself changed. I wasn't thinking about the great time I was having when the photo was taken. I wasn't thinking about the fantastic friends I shared that moment with. All I saw in that photo were things about myself that I dislike.

As already mentioned, I think I'm a fairly happy person and I do like myself. So why do these moments of reflection send me into a downward spiral of mental self-flagellation?

While I have no idea if this thought process will ever change - it would be nice to look at a photo and appreciate my qualities rather than judge my appearance - I am going to try my darndest to make that girl in the picture better.

- Dani

week 12

It is here! The 12th and final week of the Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation (Round 3 2012).

I have lost a few kilos, a fair few centimetres and gained a slightly healthier outlook. It is progress, but not at the intensity I wanted. Having signed up at the gym and joined the 12wbt, I thought I'd take significant steps in reaching my goals. But no.

So I thought it was time for a 12wbt reflection.

Nutrition
The food has been 50/50 for me. The nutrition plans don't really suit my lifestyle, as many recipes require far too much prep and cooking time. I often feel that all I do (Mon to Fri) is work, cook/eat, exercise and sleep.

In some ways, the nutrition plan is almost too ambitious as well. I would normally never buy so many different ingredients for one week and at times, following the plan to the letter can seem expensive.

Furthermore, my friends and I love to eat out. So rather than encouraging everyone to eat at home all the time, there could be a little more focus on how to make the best choices when eating out.

There have been massive highlights though. I now eat breakfast more regularly - almost every day. And a few of the recipes will be favourites in my household for some time to come.

Exercise
I have really enjoyed the planned workout sessions, though I'm not sure that I will ever stick to the full plan. I just don't seem to be able to workout 6 days in a row. Normally by Thursday my body is so sore from the previous three sessions that I can't do the full workout. (Hopefully this won't be such a problem as I get fitter and stronger.)

I have, however, changed my lifestyle to incorporate more physical activities (e.g., discovering new places on my bike) - which I am loving.

Mindset
I must admit, I haven't watched every weekly mindset video, so I perhaps haven't focused enough on this area. However, I kinda feel that the 12wbt is a good tool but that it won't 'fix the problem' so to speak.

I have been overweight for about 4-5 years now, but I have had problems with food since I was a teenager. I would drink coke everyday, eat doughnuts before school, stash confectionery in my bedroom.

Now don't even think about blaming my parents. In fact, my mum is a bit of a health nut. There was never any junk food in the house, though we would occasionally get to eat Coco Pops during school holidays. We only drank water and rarely had take-away.

But I wanted what other people ate. So I would spend most of my pocket money and later my after-school income on 'crap' food - often from the school canteen and occasionally from the local milkbar.

I never gained weight until I stopped participating in organised sports (after I left college).

So yes the 12wbt is changing my habits, but I still want that other food, whether I enjoy it or not. I can't imagine ever not wanting processed, highly addictive, massively marketed junk food. My palate might be changing, but my thought patterns haven't.

Overall
It must be doing something and I must enjoy it because I've signed up for Round 4. There have been brilliant moments where I felt fit, healthy and strong. Moments when an email from Mish would fill me with rage. (Yes, at times I seemed to go through the five stages of grief.) Moments when I just didn't care.

Mostly though, the 12wbt has made me think more about what I do and who I want to be. I might not have made significant changes so far, but I'm getting there.

Despite not reaching my goals, I'm still going to give it my all at the Group Workout and Finale Cocktail Party. I don't particularly plan on celebrating my successes, but I'm sure it will give me plenty of inspiration to kick-start Round 4. See you there!

- Dani