slowly, slowly

Did you know that I've been to the Himalayas?

I climbed to Annapurna base camp, which is 4130m above see level. The entire trek, all two weeks of it, was one of the hardest but most rewarding things I have ever done. By the time we flew out of Jomsom, my legs we constantly aching, my bowels were exhausted but my sense of accomplishment had never been greater.

I wasn't the fittest person when I did this trek, furthermore I have exercise induced asthma. So as you might imagine, I often ended up at the back of the group with the Sherpa (Dawa) and his constantly reassuring words - "slowly, slowly".

Though I'm not climbing a mountain now, these two journeys (the trek and my transformation journey) have many parallels... and Dawa's advice still rings true.

Lately, I have eaten badly, drunk less water (but more alcohol/soft drink) and reduced my level of activity. I haven't been transforming, I am regressing.

As you might have gathered from my previous post, this is frustrating me. But guess what? I still made poor choices even after that post. Rather than continue the cycle of good behaviour, then bad behaviour, then frustration, followed by hopelessness. I'm trying to focus on progressing consistently, even if it is slowly, slowly - making better choices as often as possible.

So I've starting looking into overeating and compulsive eating. Just to see if any insights there might help me. I love research and education. And although I already know a bit about health, exercise, the body and the mind, it never hurts to learn more.

Now I have two books to read: The End of Overeating (by David Kessler) and The Headspace Diet (by Andy Puddicombe), and there is plenty more research to do.

I'm not looking for a diet or a quick fix, I guess I'm just looking for something that will help everything 'click'. I know there is a healthier version of me, I just haven't had to determination to become her yet.

Anyways, I will let you know what I uncover.

- Dani

it's easy to smile when you're winning

The post holiday blues might be setting in now. It has taken over two weeks, which seems a bit long to me, but it was bound to happen as some point.

Between my fragile emotional state, my weary body (seriously when did everything start aching?) and an abundance of work, this round of 12wbt is most definitely not going to end with a bang. (In fact I think I've started gaining weight again.)

It was easy to be positive and full of energy when I was seeing great results, but as soon as the tables turn, it becomes much harder to stick with the strategy. So, I will admit it... I've been very slack the past two weeks. With each weigh-in and every time I look at my body in the mirror, my will seems to diminish. I'm thinking... no moping, rather than doing.

Without the forced gym junkie and health guru regiment, I still make healthier choices more than I did pre-12wbt. I am even choosing to go for a run not because the plan says so, but because I (kinda) enjoy it.

But is this good enough? No.

Am I unhappy with my body and my level of fitness? Hell yeah!

Of course I would love to be happy in my own body, blah blah blah. But the reason this disappointment is so significant is that it means that I care. I care about my body, about my health. Hell yes, I care!

So now I have confirmation - I am completely controlled by my emotions/mood... and it has to stop. A shitty day at work does not give me the right to stuff my face with calorie-laden food. In fact the whole logic is backwards. My body and brain have clearly already suffered enough after a tough day, I should be rewarding myself by looking after them.

It is easy to dispense these words, now I need to put this theory into action. So I'm creating a little project for myself, I'm calling it Project 'Mood Buster'. When I'm exhausted or feeling emotional, even cranky, I'm going to try to reward/improve myself with non-food actions/activities.

For example, "It's been a tough week, I deserve a few Friday drinks" will become "It's been a tough week, I deserve a massage" or "It's been a tough week, I deserve a bubble bath".

Or when a mood strikes, "All I want to do is curl in a ball and cry" will become "I'm feeling really crappy, maybe a walk/comedy gig/bike ride with a friend will cheer me up".

Sometimes, when the pressure is on at work, the first thing I do is head for the lolly jar. This is probably going to be the hardest behaviour to crack. My current thinking is that if time permits, I'll try to step outside for a moment instead or make sure I always have healthier snack alternatives at my desk (though this doesn't tend to have the same psychological effect).

This is definitely more an art than a science, but it might provide some real benefits long-term.

And if anyone has already found some great mood busting tricks, please feel free to share.

- Dani

everything is falling into place

The last few weeks have been fantastic. I am feeling healthy, happy and almost fit. It is hard to describe how wonderful this feeling is. Furthermore, the bonds with my family and boyfriend have strengthened. My work is constantly challenging and encouraging me. To be honest, life couldn't get much better.

This transformation started after I realised how unbalanced my life was. I'd put on a bit more weight and I was working some pretty long hours at the time. Then I had the thought "If I'm prepared to work this hard in one area of my life, why don't I put in half as much effort into other areas of my life?". At this point, I decided to join the Michelle Bridges 12 week transformation and thus my journey began.

It certainly hasn't been a smooth journey. There have been good weeks and bad weeks. Positive moments and moments of sheer hopelessness. I can honestly say that acknowledging my situation, trying to move beyond my weaknesses and flaws, has been one of the hardest things I have ever done.

People often make excuses because they don't want to take accountability for their actions (or in-action). But I didn't just make excuses, I didn't care. By not caring, I was happy, but my body wasn't.

This body is the only one I've got and I'm going to have it my whole life. And I have treated it so poorly.

When I realised this and realised the behavioural issues ingrained in me that perpetuate this mistreatment, I felt totally shattered. Here I was thinking that I am a capable, dedicated, smart individual, but I couldn't do something as simple as keep my body in good shape. Needless to say, this self-reflection resulted in a lot of tears.

Out of the tears and reflection came something wonderful - knowledge and resolve. I was learning, learning about myself, learning about what I needed to do to get out of this situation. Now by no means am I now a guru on health and fitness, my mind still craves all sorts of things when I know I'd actually prefer something else, but I am better. And I will never stop learning, nor will I want to go through that process again.

Now I'm under 80kg, a milestone I thought I'd reach weeks ago, but I am thrilled regardless. My body shape is different and I am loving it. My attitude has changed, and is continuing to change. Everything has well and truly fallen into place.

This brings me to the main point of this post, and it is a point I'm sure I will need to tell myself time and time again. I also hope it might help just one other person out there.

Don't give up.

Every small improvement you make, even if it isn't a permanent one, will help you. Every over-indulgent snack you turn down, every extra step you take. All of it is worth it. And this applies to anything you want to achieve in life. It might not be the fastest way to reach your goals, but you will make progress.

In a previous post, when I was in struggle-town, I wrote this -

I might be able to make this transformation step-by-fricken-tiny-step. But I have to keep trying. Because even though I'm no where near my goals, I am closer than when I started. I might never have a light bulb moment, but I never want to give up.

And it is so true. I think that this realisation really helped to turn things around for me. I stopped focusing on achieving the perfect transformation, stopped comparing myself to other 12wbters with phenomenal will-power.

So yes, there are crazy, amazing, inspiring people out there who can lose 20kg in 3 months or transition from being a couch potato to a marathon runner. But the people who get on with their lives and make small changes every day, those people are inspiring too.

- Dani

bucket list

As round 3 (2012) of the 12 week body transformation wraps up, it has gotten me thinking about my failures/weaknesses and my successes/strengths.

It will come as no surprise to you all that I have more weaknesses than strengths, definitely more failures than successes.

But all is not lost. While thinking about the hurdles I faced I also started thinking of solutions, one of which is a 'bucket list'. Not just any ordinary bucket list, a bucket list with social activities that are not centred around food or alcohol (crazy!).

So here are some of my ideas so far

• Rock climbing
• Go-kart racing
• Go to the ballet or a show
• Mini-golf (incl glow-in-the-dark mini golf)
• Ice skating
• Walks (e.g., Kokoda Memorial walk, Hanging Rock trail)

I also put the idea out to my friends and... they all love it! They all threw in their own suggestions...

• Bike riding
• 1000 steps
• Golf
• Paintball
• Lawn bowls
• Water sports
• Camping
• No light no lycra
• Craft nights
• Frisbee in the park

Firstly, I am so excited that all my friends are on board with this initiative. And secondly, I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner.

Being fit and healthy doesn't need to be hard work.

Now we just need to make it happen.

- Dani

Oh and... I signed up for Round 4! I wasn't going to, but I think I've made the right decision.

giving up

Well, this 12 week body transformation certainly hasn't played out how I thought it might - I guess I only have myself to blame though.

This week I pretty much gave up. Ok, I didn't exactly give up, I just noticed that my life was exactly the same (more or less) as before I started the 12wbt. So there hasn't really been any transformation.

It is devastating, especially when so many other 12wbters are doing so well. I was hoping that when I decided to sign-up for the 12wbt, it meant I'd had my light bulb moment, that I was suddenly going to follow the plans and transform into the healthy, fit person I'd like to be.

So naive.

While some people might suddenly wake up one morning and have a totally new approach to life, for most us, change is gradual. And it isn't necessarily going to be easy.

Trying to lose weight and change my lifestyle makes me so aware of my flaws. So not only is it hard cooking more, exercising more, having less time down time in my day. But I am constantly aware of my laziness, my selfishness, my lack of will power.

For some reason though, I don't seem to think that I deserve better. This lack of faith in myself is holding me back - in all areas of my life.

At this point, I feel that if I keep disappointment at bay, I might be able to make this transformation step-by-fricken-tiny-step. But I have to keep trying. Because even though I'm no where near my goals, I am closer than when I started. I might never have a light bulb moment, but I never want to give up.

- Dani

back on my bike

As a 12wbter, I had a fairly catastrophic week last week. But as a social, fun-loving, twenty-something, I had a fantastic (albeit exhausting) week.

Having abandoned my entire exercise routine for the week, I decided that it was better to get active than dwell on my failures. So I got active!

Dan and I went for a 2 hour bike ride on Sunday afternoon, and discovered a few places in Melbourne I never knew existed.

Princes Pier, Port Melbourne

Under the West Gate Bridge

Near Westgate park

I'm not thrilled that I was so undisciplined last week - it is something that I really need to work on. But I feel less guilty than I have in the past, so I think my mindset is improving. I am learning more about myself, the health/exercise/life balance that suits me and what keeps me motivated (and on-track).

Frivolity is great, but it is just one piece of the complex puzzle that is my crazy, slowly-transforming life. So I plan on being a very obedient 12wbter this week.

- Dani

red flag week

I've been feeling a little less social over the past few weeks. I am completely unable to rein myself in when eating and drinking out with friends, so it has been best to avoid those situation. But I can't go on like that forever.

This week I am out almost every night with birthday dinners, comedy nights, cocktail functions, the races, etc. It is a busy time of year and I know that I am failing to stick to the 12wbt plan. I didn't workout on Monday or Tuesday (but I did go for a lunchtime walk) and my diet has been far from ideal.

I know I'm supposed to suck it up, get up early and JFDI. But after a late night, it just doesn't happen. And to be honest, I'm not keen on depriving myself of sleep in order to exercise in the morning. Yes, I can try to get home earlier - but it's not happening this week.

While I am exercising when I can and watching what I eat as much as possible, in these situations I am completely weak - I know this. I ate birthday cake on Monday and I can't imagine not doing that. People have birthdays and people eat cake - I don't want to miss out on these things.

At home I seem able (most of the time) to be the mature adult that understands that I can't have everything I want. When I'm out though, it's all 'I want, I want, I want', and the mature adult doesn't even seem to be in the room.

If willpower really is a muscle, then I'd like to know how I can train it before I am in those situations. Because at the moment, I am feeling horrible, eating out, drinking and not exercising (even though it hasn't really affected my weight loss - which is even more annoying). Eating out is inevitable but I should be able to choose the healthiest option on the menu, say no say to that glass of wine with dinner and get up early the next morning to exercise. Shouldn't I? But I can't imagine ever not wanting the wine, not wanting the creamy risotto, not wanting to sleep in. And when I do say no to those things I tend to get a bit sulky and I don't enjoy the moment as much. (If you haven't guessed by now, I really hate being told I can't have something.)

There must be a balance between living a healthy, active life and engaging in 'normal' activities like eating out and having birthday cake. And I guess the answer is moderation. But as an overweight person, does moderation not apply to some things?

Basically I am feeling pretty weak and pathetic right now. My lack of willpower has been a huge barrier for me over the past few years, but I really thought that this time I was going to break through...

- Dani

avoid, avoid, avoid

I'm not normally a 'chocolate person', it is something I enjoy but it isn't a weakness of mine... until recently!

Being told a piece of dark chocolate here and there is ok led to me consuming dark chocolate (albeit small amounts) almost every day. Not cool.

Haigh's dark chocolate - so addictive!

So guess what happens now? ...no more chocolate! Once a week max, but preferably not at all. At least for the foreseeable future.

And my undoing every weekend is largely due to alcohol. While I rarely drink beyond the National guidelines, a glass or two certainly starts upping the calorie intake, which (at this stage of my journey) I just can't afford.

October is looking like a very dry, chocolate-less month. I'm sure it will be fantastic!

What have you had to cut out/avoid to reach your goals?

- Dani

catching flies with honey

I gained 500 grams this week and I couldn't be happier.

The first 5 weeks of this 12wbt have not been easy for me. I found myself constantly stressing about diet and exercise. It felt like my home life revolved around the kitchen and the gym. And, dare I say it, I missed my couch. I would love to be a shiny, happy person that wants to squeeze activity into every moment of their life, but... I enjoy settling on the couch to watch a good movie. (Who doesn't?)

I was also constantly disappointed in myself for not following the 12wbt plans to the letter and on Sunday, I realised that I was tense and unhappy - and that something needed to change.

Sad Panda

So, thinking about my original goal - to find balance - I tried to gain some perspective.

I realised that I have my own choices to blame. Choosing to exercise after work limits my time in the evening to cook, clean, relax, etc. Also, the 12wbt is a tool that I'm using to improve my life, not a rule book, so it shouldn't stress me out. And most importantly, I want to change my life forever! So I need to find what works for me.

Since I had this realisation, I've changed my mindset and I'm actually choosing to spend more time in the kitchen and more time exercising. Even when I've had the option to enjoy some couch time, I've gone for a bike ride instead.

Gettin' some air

I'm feeling more motivated to change my life than ever before. If my joints are sore, the sun is shining and I choose to walk home from work instead of hitting the gym, I know I'll make up for it later in the week. I can eat non-12wbt approved meals, but I need to be mindful of my calorie intake and the nutrients my body needs. (I'm working on some healthy recipes right now!)

Nuts-for-lemon balls (I adapted my nuts-for-lemon bars recipe)

I would be lying if I didn't admit that I do need more discipline (I guess that's why I'm in this position in the first place), but stressing out and feeling despondent is never going to help me reach my goals. So now variation and substitution are friends not foes, and my focus is on the big picture (e.g., being active everyday, eating well) rather than religiously following specific plans/guidelines. And... I feel so much happier.

- Dani

the good, the bad and the... hungry

As part of my transformation I am trying to have a more positive outlook, but as I enter week 5 of the 12wbt I realise I'm feeling a little on the fence. There is good and there is bad, but I'm embracing both.

The positives
I am loving the workouts. I'm not participating in as many classes as I would have liked and I don't always train 6 times a week, but I am pushing it 100% in every session and occasionally adding a little more. The workouts are making me feel like my old, sporty, competitive self again - it is great!

A huge, massive positive for me is that *drum roll please* I'm eating breakfast!

I'm eating 12wbt meals approximately 50% of the time and 75% of my meals/snacks are healthy... so I can't complain about that. The 12wbt meals have been surprisingly delicious too!

The negatives
So this is where I hit a low - the other 25% of my meals... it's not good. I revert back to old behaviours (weekend drinks), old comfort foods (creamy pasta) and old excuses ("It's ok, I've barely eaten anything all day"). And most of the time, I don't even enjoy it!

I know it is my mind craving these things rather than my body, but I find it so hard to not give in to temptation.

Additional to these moments of weakness, I've also been getting very hungry, particularly at night and occasionally in the afternoons at work. While I haven't always satisfied these cravings, I'm wondering if, once again, this is actually my mind wanting to eat rather than the body needing it. (Why does this happen?)

And lastly, mornings. I really want to train in the mornings, but it hasn't happened. I know Michelle Bridges says "go into robot mode", but I'm never in robot mode - maybe this is why I struggle to stick to a plan.

***

So one third of the way through my 12 week transformation and these are my yays and nays. I've learnt that I can't just focus on my strengths - I've gotten super fit before but it didn't result in any weight loss. Instead, I'm trying to appreciate my weaknesses/struggle points and use them to shape my focus areas. My willpower certainly seems to need more training sessions than my body at the moment. But compared to where I was 4 weeks ago... well I'm much fitter, I've lost a little weight and I'm thinking of ways to make my meals as healthy as possible. I guess I've got plenty to be positive about :)

- Dani