slowly, slowly

Did you know that I've been to the Himalayas?

I climbed to Annapurna base camp, which is 4130m above see level. The entire trek, all two weeks of it, was one of the hardest but most rewarding things I have ever done. By the time we flew out of Jomsom, my legs we constantly aching, my bowels were exhausted but my sense of accomplishment had never been greater.

I wasn't the fittest person when I did this trek, furthermore I have exercise induced asthma. So as you might imagine, I often ended up at the back of the group with the Sherpa (Dawa) and his constantly reassuring words - "slowly, slowly".

Though I'm not climbing a mountain now, these two journeys (the trek and my transformation journey) have many parallels... and Dawa's advice still rings true.

Lately, I have eaten badly, drunk less water (but more alcohol/soft drink) and reduced my level of activity. I haven't been transforming, I am regressing.

As you might have gathered from my previous post, this is frustrating me. But guess what? I still made poor choices even after that post. Rather than continue the cycle of good behaviour, then bad behaviour, then frustration, followed by hopelessness. I'm trying to focus on progressing consistently, even if it is slowly, slowly - making better choices as often as possible.

So I've starting looking into overeating and compulsive eating. Just to see if any insights there might help me. I love research and education. And although I already know a bit about health, exercise, the body and the mind, it never hurts to learn more.

Now I have two books to read: The End of Overeating (by David Kessler) and The Headspace Diet (by Andy Puddicombe), and there is plenty more research to do.

I'm not looking for a diet or a quick fix, I guess I'm just looking for something that will help everything 'click'. I know there is a healthier version of me, I just haven't had to determination to become her yet.

Anyways, I will let you know what I uncover.

- Dani

it's easy to smile when you're winning

The post holiday blues might be setting in now. It has taken over two weeks, which seems a bit long to me, but it was bound to happen as some point.

Between my fragile emotional state, my weary body (seriously when did everything start aching?) and an abundance of work, this round of 12wbt is most definitely not going to end with a bang. (In fact I think I've started gaining weight again.)

It was easy to be positive and full of energy when I was seeing great results, but as soon as the tables turn, it becomes much harder to stick with the strategy. So, I will admit it... I've been very slack the past two weeks. With each weigh-in and every time I look at my body in the mirror, my will seems to diminish. I'm thinking... no moping, rather than doing.

Without the forced gym junkie and health guru regiment, I still make healthier choices more than I did pre-12wbt. I am even choosing to go for a run not because the plan says so, but because I (kinda) enjoy it.

But is this good enough? No.

Am I unhappy with my body and my level of fitness? Hell yeah!

Of course I would love to be happy in my own body, blah blah blah. But the reason this disappointment is so significant is that it means that I care. I care about my body, about my health. Hell yes, I care!

So now I have confirmation - I am completely controlled by my emotions/mood... and it has to stop. A shitty day at work does not give me the right to stuff my face with calorie-laden food. In fact the whole logic is backwards. My body and brain have clearly already suffered enough after a tough day, I should be rewarding myself by looking after them.

It is easy to dispense these words, now I need to put this theory into action. So I'm creating a little project for myself, I'm calling it Project 'Mood Buster'. When I'm exhausted or feeling emotional, even cranky, I'm going to try to reward/improve myself with non-food actions/activities.

For example, "It's been a tough week, I deserve a few Friday drinks" will become "It's been a tough week, I deserve a massage" or "It's been a tough week, I deserve a bubble bath".

Or when a mood strikes, "All I want to do is curl in a ball and cry" will become "I'm feeling really crappy, maybe a walk/comedy gig/bike ride with a friend will cheer me up".

Sometimes, when the pressure is on at work, the first thing I do is head for the lolly jar. This is probably going to be the hardest behaviour to crack. My current thinking is that if time permits, I'll try to step outside for a moment instead or make sure I always have healthier snack alternatives at my desk (though this doesn't tend to have the same psychological effect).

This is definitely more an art than a science, but it might provide some real benefits long-term.

And if anyone has already found some great mood busting tricks, please feel free to share.

- Dani

everything is falling into place

The last few weeks have been fantastic. I am feeling healthy, happy and almost fit. It is hard to describe how wonderful this feeling is. Furthermore, the bonds with my family and boyfriend have strengthened. My work is constantly challenging and encouraging me. To be honest, life couldn't get much better.

This transformation started after I realised how unbalanced my life was. I'd put on a bit more weight and I was working some pretty long hours at the time. Then I had the thought "If I'm prepared to work this hard in one area of my life, why don't I put in half as much effort into other areas of my life?". At this point, I decided to join the Michelle Bridges 12 week transformation and thus my journey began.

It certainly hasn't been a smooth journey. There have been good weeks and bad weeks. Positive moments and moments of sheer hopelessness. I can honestly say that acknowledging my situation, trying to move beyond my weaknesses and flaws, has been one of the hardest things I have ever done.

People often make excuses because they don't want to take accountability for their actions (or in-action). But I didn't just make excuses, I didn't care. By not caring, I was happy, but my body wasn't.

This body is the only one I've got and I'm going to have it my whole life. And I have treated it so poorly.

When I realised this and realised the behavioural issues ingrained in me that perpetuate this mistreatment, I felt totally shattered. Here I was thinking that I am a capable, dedicated, smart individual, but I couldn't do something as simple as keep my body in good shape. Needless to say, this self-reflection resulted in a lot of tears.

Out of the tears and reflection came something wonderful - knowledge and resolve. I was learning, learning about myself, learning about what I needed to do to get out of this situation. Now by no means am I now a guru on health and fitness, my mind still craves all sorts of things when I know I'd actually prefer something else, but I am better. And I will never stop learning, nor will I want to go through that process again.

Now I'm under 80kg, a milestone I thought I'd reach weeks ago, but I am thrilled regardless. My body shape is different and I am loving it. My attitude has changed, and is continuing to change. Everything has well and truly fallen into place.

This brings me to the main point of this post, and it is a point I'm sure I will need to tell myself time and time again. I also hope it might help just one other person out there.

Don't give up.

Every small improvement you make, even if it isn't a permanent one, will help you. Every over-indulgent snack you turn down, every extra step you take. All of it is worth it. And this applies to anything you want to achieve in life. It might not be the fastest way to reach your goals, but you will make progress.

In a previous post, when I was in struggle-town, I wrote this -

I might be able to make this transformation step-by-fricken-tiny-step. But I have to keep trying. Because even though I'm no where near my goals, I am closer than when I started. I might never have a light bulb moment, but I never want to give up.

And it is so true. I think that this realisation really helped to turn things around for me. I stopped focusing on achieving the perfect transformation, stopped comparing myself to other 12wbters with phenomenal will-power.

So yes, there are crazy, amazing, inspiring people out there who can lose 20kg in 3 months or transition from being a couch potato to a marathon runner. But the people who get on with their lives and make small changes every day, those people are inspiring too.

- Dani

under 80kg (finally!)

I'm back! I spent most of yesterday preparing for the week, trying to get back into a decent routine. Trying to be even more prepared than last year.

As I only had access to scales once during the past two weeks, I decided to weigh myself upon my return and guess what boys and girls... I'm under 80kg!

Yes it has finally happened!

And that weight is never coming back. I will never weight over 80kg again.

My progress has been slow, but I'm feeling pretty confident that I am making life-long changes. Changes that can be sustained and maintained. I'm improving my overall lifestyle.

I have to admit I'm also pretty stoked that I met this milestone after 3 weeks of holiday, 3 weeks of not following any 12WBT plan. It makes me believe in myself. I don't need a program, a celebrity trainer, a specific set of rules to achieve my transformation goals. It just takes good ol' common sense. Something most of us have, we just don't take advantage of it enough.

- Dani

reflection

When I'm out and about living life (working, socialising, doing), I feel great. I would say I'm a genuinely happy person. But sometimes I stop and reflect, think about a past incident or look at a photo, and I tend to focus on the negatives. It makes me feel awful.

Most recently I felt like this when I looked at a photo I was in. Not an old photo, a recent one. I looked overweight, pasty and unattractive. In an instant my whole perception of myself changed. I wasn't thinking about the great time I was having when the photo was taken. I wasn't thinking about the fantastic friends I shared that moment with. All I saw in that photo were things about myself that I dislike.

As already mentioned, I think I'm a fairly happy person and I do like myself. So why do these moments of reflection send me into a downward spiral of mental self-flagellation?

While I have no idea if this thought process will ever change - it would be nice to look at a photo and appreciate my qualities rather than judge my appearance - I am going to try my darndest to make that girl in the picture better.

- Dani

giving up

Well, this 12 week body transformation certainly hasn't played out how I thought it might - I guess I only have myself to blame though.

This week I pretty much gave up. Ok, I didn't exactly give up, I just noticed that my life was exactly the same (more or less) as before I started the 12wbt. So there hasn't really been any transformation.

It is devastating, especially when so many other 12wbters are doing so well. I was hoping that when I decided to sign-up for the 12wbt, it meant I'd had my light bulb moment, that I was suddenly going to follow the plans and transform into the healthy, fit person I'd like to be.

So naive.

While some people might suddenly wake up one morning and have a totally new approach to life, for most us, change is gradual. And it isn't necessarily going to be easy.

Trying to lose weight and change my lifestyle makes me so aware of my flaws. So not only is it hard cooking more, exercising more, having less time down time in my day. But I am constantly aware of my laziness, my selfishness, my lack of will power.

For some reason though, I don't seem to think that I deserve better. This lack of faith in myself is holding me back - in all areas of my life.

At this point, I feel that if I keep disappointment at bay, I might be able to make this transformation step-by-fricken-tiny-step. But I have to keep trying. Because even though I'm no where near my goals, I am closer than when I started. I might never have a light bulb moment, but I never want to give up.

- Dani